The Banana
by FantasySci5
Summary: The Banana from the 2nd series meets the crew face to face. It's ALIVE! Or is it! Where did it come from! It wasn't there 1st series! Where did it go! It wasn't there in the 3rd series!My reasons for the MANY changes between the 2nd and 3rd Series!UPDATED
1. Finding

**The Banana-**

Hi! I just LOVE the banana in the 2nd series! So, why not! This story is about the Banana! It is dedicated to the banana! Get ready for the most craziest thing you have ever read, probably! Don't say I didn't worn you!

**SUMMARY: **The Banana meets the crew face to face! It's ALIVE!

**DISCLAIMER: **I don't own Red Dwarf, the ideas, characters, and no, I don't own the yellow banana! Darn!

Don't think I'm crazy! It's just late...late...LATE... at night, and I've been watching the 2nd season. The Banana steals the show!

I always wondered how the banana got into their quarters, and why it wasn't there the next series! Here is my take on what happened. Read! If you think differently, or you think you have a better story about the banana, e-mail me with it!

Happens right after the whole baby thing in Parallel Universe, but before the new series 3, episode 'Backwards'. Got it? Good.

**0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000**

Cat bounded into the room, chewing on something. Lister stared at the object. It was dark brown, shiny, and covered with indents.

"What the smeg are you eating, Cat!"

Cat looked up, then grinned his toothy grin.

"Yow! See, Buddy, Goal-Post-Head and Novelty Condom were checking out the stores, and I tagged along. We found these Girl Scout Cookies, Thin Mints!"

Cat threw a cookie to Lister, who quickly gobbled it up.

"Then the Boyz from the Dwarf, minus the Monkey and the Head, found more food! Captian Emerald went off to the left, Square-headed git smeghead went to the right, and yours truly found chocolate! Melted chocolate, in special carying cases. Melted chocolate! Mmmm, choc-o-late...choc-o-late...choc-o-late LOCCO!" Cat screeched.

"Buddy, what's wrong!" Lister looked sad as he nibbled at his 10th cookie. He stared at the box of Girl scout Cookies-Thin Mints the Cat had put in front of him. "You guys went without me!"

Cat shrugged, and left singing his favorite song, with a bit of a twist. "Yeah, I'm going to get you, little cookie! Um, I'm gonna eat you little cookie! Because I like eating cookies!"

Holly's blonde head appeared on the screen, as she said, "Dave. Come down to the supply decks."

"Which deck are they on, Hol!"

"Well, how should I know!"

**0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000**

Hi! I know, the banana wasn't even mentioned! But, don't worry! It will! And I know, technically, the banana disapeared from their quarters when Holly turned into a female, and Kryten came back. But, HEY! It's my fan fiction!

The mention of Cat saying, "choc-o-late...choc-o-late...choc-o-late LOCCO!"

was reffering to a special episode of "Can't Cook, Won't Cook"

It had a special episode with the Red Dwarf gang! It was called, "Can't Smeg, Won't Smeg", which can be found on the 4th series dvd, on the extra stuff!

Lister is cooking with coconut, and starts singing... "Coc-o-nut...coc-o-nut...coc-o-nut, LOCCO!" Soo, it's an inside joke if you have seen the episode "Can't Smeg, Won't Smeg"!


	2. Drunk

**The Banana 2-**

Well, here is the entrance of the...drum roll...Banana! Here you go!

By the way, I'm not sure if I spelled 'Carmen Miranda' right, which was mentioned in the 2nd Season, in "Parallel Universe'.

Mentioned is the potato chips, Lays. They do not belong to me, and I give the makers full credit.

**0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000**

Lister found Rimmer and Kryten sorting through a pile of chips. "Aaah, there you are! Finally! Glad you can make it this life-time." Rimmer smirked at Lister.

Lister rolled his eyes, and ignored Rimmer. "So, Kryten. What ya want me to do?"

"Ah, sir! We just need to sort through the supplies, then take them up to the ship cupboard. Then, we can restock your refrigerator. With Mr. Rimmer not being able to pick up anything, I thought it would go along quicker with you helping."

"Yes, and I will record what we have, as you guys bring it on up. Use the stairs." Rimmer ordered Lister and Kryten. "Why the stairs, and not the lift?"

"Are you kidding! You could crawl up the stairs, one in every year, and get there before the lift would."

"And where is that stupid creature, Cat? It would go a lot more quicker with him helping. Knowing him, he's probably in front of a full length mirror, brushing his hair, and picking out what clothes he is going to wear each day for the rest of eternity. Then, he's probably making plans for the next suits and outfits he is going to sew and make! Then, off to find accessories to match everything. No one has even dared to undertake what he will be, since Carmen Miranda did that whole fruit business!

"What is your problem, Rimmer? We'll get him to work, but I don't see why you care soooo much!" Lister shot at Rimmer as he picked up a pile of 'Lays' potato chips. Kryten picked up bags and bags of the potato chips, Crunches.

"I have things to do, m'laddo! I'm going up the up the ziggurat, lickety-split! Tickety-boo! I can't wait all day long, for you and Toilet Bowl to haul things up, not when help can be found and used. I could be revising, or doing something useful and important!" Rimmer stated as he wrote on his hologramatic clip-board, recording the chips.

"Yah, you can snuff it. You would be useful not yapping all the time with your big gob. It's important because you won't be distracting us from our VERY important, crucial duties!" Lister chuckled as he picked up already buttered cinema popcorn.

"Yah, and if these are VERY important duties, there was really no Big Nose." Holly intervened.

"Shut the smeg up."

**0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000**

Lister stepped away from the microwave with a bowl of popcorn. He slipped into his chair, next to Kryten. Cat sat next to Kryten, with Rimmer at the far right. Holly was on a monitor next to Rimmer.

Lister reached the bowl over to Cat, who took a handful. They were watching the movie, The Lord of the Rings.

"So, which movie in the series is this again!" Cat asked, sounding very confused.

"Ah, I believe, this is the 21st century movie from the Lord of the Rings. My data banks say this is the 2nd movie in the set of 3 motion pictures. Processing... ah, yes, The Two Towers, directed by Peter Wragg."

Lister looked at him crazy. "Are you sure, Krytie! I thought it was...Paul Jackson!"

Cat wiggled his finger at Lister, nodding.

Music swelled in the background, the theme to the Lord of the Rings. Mountains scanned cross the screen, and voices from the 1st movie come to be heard. Lister and Cat opened up their lager. Rimmer sipped at his hologrammatic beer, as Kryten and Holly gulped down on some 'android brew'.

A scene from the 1st movie started to play. An old geezer was hanging off of a reddish cliff. A little guy runs to go save him, but a bigger man grabs him and holds him back. The little guy screams, "Gandalf!"

Rimmer looked up, confused as smeg. "Who has actually seen the 1st movie!"

Cat shrugged, Holly's eyebrows raised, and Kryten shook his head. Lister spoke up. "I have, at least I think. I can't remember, I might have been drunk."

The others sighed.

**0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000**

Lister hiccupped as Kryten fell out of his seat, laughing. Gimli's voice echoed over the screen, as he counted how many Orcs he was killing. Kryten had found that VERY funny. Rimmer's drunken face saddened as he saw Aragorn rush up to the dying elf, Haldir.

Boy, were they all drunk! They were all having a good time, and they started forgetting what was happening.

**0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000**

Gollum hissed his lines, as Holly snored. Lister kicked the layer of beer cans away from his feet. Boy they were past drunk. Holly was unconscious, and Lister, Cat, Kryten, and Rimmer were past watching the movie.

Lister and Cat were hungry, and they were coming up with crazy ideas to eat.

"Oooh! Pizza with onions on it! Noooo...spinach." Lister slurred.

"Wow! No, we should eat it with Goodwill clothes on!" Cat gulped. All sense of fashion were lost out the waste disposal, along with Lister's first round of throw up.

"I wonder who invented 'Goodwill'! I bet he named it after himself!" Rimmer asked no one in particular.

"Sirls, Me believe owner was named... Howard Goodall." Kryten slurred, his proper enunciation gone, like Rimmer's charm.

"Nah, that ain't it!" Cat said, crumpling up a bag of Thin Mints, as Lister nibbled at a Crispy chip.

"No, I want a BIG banana! Dipped in chocolate! Mmmm! No, dipped in salsa! Nooo, that won't do!" Lister tried to figure out the topping he wanted with his order of Big banana!

"Oooh, Maple syrup!" Kryten suggested.

"Where we gonna git big banana!"

All 4 of them looked behind them, where the large yellow, plastic banana, hung by the corner by the door.

They grinned. They had found there food! Lister remembered when and how they had 1st gotten that banana.

**0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000**

Peter Wragg and Paul Jackson was mentioned instead of Peter Jackson. The Lord of the Rings is not mine, and I was just borrowing some scenes. All credit to New Line Cinema, and Peter. I just said it was a different name to be funny. Peter Wragg is the Visual Effects Designer for Red Dwarf, on the BBC. Inside joke. I know, there are a lot of them in here. Watch out for them! And Paul Jackson was the Executive Producer. Both inside jokes! Howard Goodall is the music director. All in good fun. I have no IDEA who started 'Goodwill', so I can't really give credit to him/her.

If you don't know, Goodwill is an American store, with cheap clothes, toys, etc. for people who can't afford stuff. Not POOR, but you get the point! People give them their unwanted stuff. You don't get paid for it, but you can get a tax refund paper, that takes some of your taxes away, because you gave to Goodwill.

I'm not sure what Holly would drink to make herself drunk. So bare with me!

Aah, the emergence of the banana. The next chapter will be a flashback to how, where, and when they got the banana!


	3. Finding the Banana Flashback

**The Banana 3-**

I always thought Rimmer got along with the others very smeggin' well, when he (and they) are drunk, or in hangover.

This flashback happens right after the Me squared episode.

**0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000**

Lister glanced into the corridor. Rimmer trailed him.

"What are you looking for!" Rimmer asked in a semi-polite tone. He was still angry at Lister for that "Souper" comment, but the pain ebbed away when he thought of an alternative friend, that demon from hell, in the shape of himself.

But, right now, he was happy to be alive. Well, he was already dead, but at least he wasn't turned off.

Lister ignored Rimmer, and kept walking down the stacks of wasted food. When the radiation leak had happened, Holly had TRIED to seal the stores, but some decks had not been, and were affected.

Lister just shook his head, thinking about Rimmer's comment. What was he looking for?

"Well," Lister started. Rimmer jumped, then seeing he was going to get an answer to his question, stayed quiet.

"I'm just looking for something to... 'color' the room. It's too 'military gray'. We need to spruce things up.

Lister rounded a corner, and found himself face to face with a ladder. That was not the surprising thing. Hanging on the ladder, was a huge, plastic, bright yellow banana.

"Get out of town!" Lister whispered. 'Wow'. A smile drew on his face, as he thought..'Yeah, this will do nicely.'

One thing bothered Lister, though. He had been down here all of the time. And he had never seen it there before.

**00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000**

Sorry it's short!

Alright, it's sucky. I'm having the hugest case of Writer's block right now. So all of the stuff comin is...well, smeg. Sorry!

Just as sexual attraction is a virus, and Cat said he should be given to a hospital, because he was a terminal case... I should be thrown in a pile of smeg, with gazpacho soup, curry, vindaloo, and beer milkshakes dumped on me. Also, with people booing. OR, am I being to hard on myself!

Batters her eyes at the viewers...silently pleading with them to tell her she is over-reacting.


	4. Getting PAST their Hangovers

The Banana-Part 4

Hi guys! Thank you SO much for the wonderful reviews! Sorry I haven't written new chapters in this! It was finals week, and I had to study like crazy! I JUST got back from school, and I HAD to continue on my stories! Your kind reviews are so uplifting, and it makes me want to right more. This is one of my stories that has the most and kind, reviews! Thanks for sticking with it, and I'm glad I'm not the only one who LOVES that plastic banana.

Here is another question...'Why did Rimmer's outfit suddenly change between the 2nd series outfit, to the emerald green outfit in the 3rd series.'

**000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000**

Lister groaned as he slowly eased his aching body up. His arms wobbled dangerously as he held up his weight, which was more than usual. His head pounded like he was stuck behind Red Dwarf when it fired up. His vision was hazy as he tried to focus on anything.

He swung his legs over the end of the bunk, watching as his blurry world dipped from one side of the room to the other. It was moving back and forth more times than Tarzan.

"Uuugh." Lister huffed as he reached his shaking hand to his over-heated head. He heard a cough, and a creak. "What happened?" Rimmer asked as he brought his head up to Lister's view. Lister would have laughed if he wasn't feeling so sick.

Rimmer's usually tidy hair was tufted in every direction. His eyes were red, and his outfit hung loosely on his frame. The usually straight tie was yanked to one side, and the man's usual stern face looked goofy enough to be on a birthday card.

"Dunno." Lister answered back, trying to make his feet land on the floor. His feet touched, and he pushed with all his might to put himself upright on the floor. A mistake. He wobbled dangerously, as he placed a hand on the wall to steady himself.

"Boy, do I have a hangover." Lister stated as he shakily made his way to the locker on the other side of the room. He leaned against it, suddenly forgetting why he had came over there, then surveyed the room. Something was missing. Something, but Lister couldn't place a finger on it.

"Is there something different!" Lister asked the other occupant of the room, who was currently tugging at his shoes with one hand, and holding his head with the other.

"Yeths. Cath and Kyton not aruind." (Roughly translated readers is, "Yes. Cat and Kryten not around." What! He's having a hangover!)

"No, not them. Something, else." He was interrupted as Holly's blonde hair head came on the screen. "Oy! What's goin' on!"

"Dunno." Lister repeated, as Cat and Kryten stumbled in from the hallway. "Hey, why were we in there!" Cat asked, as he collapsed, in style, on the nearest chair.

"Something happened yesterday, but for the life of me, I can't remember." Kryten stated.

"Wait! Where's the banana!" Lister shouted as he pointed to the usual place where the bright yellow, plastic banana usually was.

The other looked, but the confusion in the room was thick enough you could cut through it with a knife.

"All I remember is that we were watching Lord of the Rings, then...we were thinking of stuff to eat." Lister said, as his face scrunched up in concentration as he tried to remember.

"Oh my god! We ate the banana!" The Cat yelped. Rimmer broke in, shaking his head, taking charge over the truly stupid bunch. "You morons. How can we even try to eat a large, approx. 5 feet, plastic banana! That's not even probable."

"Hol." Lister asked, wanting to clear this mess of not remembering up, once and for all.

"Is there something we could do to make our hangovers go away! Anything!"

"Sorry, Dave." She answered, "All you can do is have a cup of coffee, and wait for your digestive track to come off the roller coaster."

Lister sighed, and started out the door. "Gordon Bennett, hold on a sec! Strike the light, I am a genius!"

"What are you blabbing about!" Rimmer asked as the head on the screen grinned wildly.

"There is a way! Down on Z deck, in the research labs, there's a prototype. It makes the affects of a hangover stay dormant. Eventually, you will have to...'have' your hangover, but you can make it wait a hours, or even a few days. Oy!"

Holly looked at the room, but it was now empty, and she could hear 4 sets of feet pounding to Z deck.

Lister skidded into the first research lab, and started searching frantically for the cure, well, as frantically as you can when you feel as though your head has been jammed in the waste compactor while it was on.

Kryten and Cat followed, but Rimmer wasn't behind them. "Come on, guys! Help me find it."

They all searched, as Rimmer calmly walked into the room, a smug smile plastered on his face. "Gentlemen. What are you doing! Oh, don't tell me! I know. Lister is going to hide so he won't have to go to the vet. Listy, shots are good for you."

"Why are you so perked!" Lister asked curiously, as he glanced at Rimmer. Rimmer looked sharp; his tie was straight, his eyes were slits, and he looked refreshed.

"Well, once you find the pills, I can't take them." He sighed in disgust as the others looked at him with blank stares.

"Hello, I'm a hologram. I can't touch the things. So, in light of reason, I wanted the pills as much as you twonks, so I asked Holly to give me a hologramatic equivalent to the pill. Good luck on finding them!" He finished, a smug smile on his face.

"Ah! Found them!" Kryten cried, as the other 2 crowded around him. "Mr. Lister, Mr. Cat, and one for myself." He handed the small red pills to the others, the swallowed his.

The 3 stood there, waiting for the pills to take affect. Slowly, they felt the haziness and memory loss fade away, saved for another day.

"Now what!" The Cat asked. Lister clutched his forehead, thinking. "Let's think. We were...watching Lord of the Rings, then we talked about things to eat...then... Oh...my...God."

_Flashback to what happened _

_Kryten and Lister hoisted the banana off the hook that held it on the far wall. Cat and Rimmer just watched; one lazy, and the other unable, respectively._

_Kryten carried it over, as Lister stumbled behind him. "He, he!" Lister croaked as Kryten took it over to the waiting people. "Maybe we should go to the Officer's Club." All Kryten was thinking that it would be easier to clean the Officer's Club, then the small quarters._

_Some how, they ended up in the Drive Room. "Ya know what I fancy right now?" Lister whispered to the others. "A bubble bath!" Rimmer answered._

_"No, something to dip this in. Banana's are in splits."_

_"What! Bananas do splits!" Cat asked, slumping in a chair._

_"No!" Lister said, swatting the air before him, as if moving it to the side, along with the silly remark._

_"Banana's are in splits. Sundays! You know, with the 2 bananas, and the ice cream, and cherry on top! You don't know, do you!" He asked defeated, as the others shook their heads._

_"This needs some chocolate. Hey, Cat! You know that chocolate you found!" Lister asked excitedly. _

_"Yeah. What are you getting at, grease stain?" The Cat asked, getting tired of all the talking. (As I'm sure the good readership is.)_

_"You found melted chocolate! We can dip the banana in it, then cut it up, and we can all have some._

_"What about Holly and I!" Rimmer asked, clearly disturbed by not being remembered._

_"Dunno. Haven't thought that much into the future." Lister stated, as he sent Kryten to get the chocolate._

_The thought that the banana they were about to eat was plastic, never crossed their drunk minds._

_"Here it is, sirs." Kryten stated from the door, as he carried a large pot full of melted chocolate._

_"Give it here." Lister said, as he grabbed the pot from Kryten. Seeing a problem, he dumped the contents on the floor. Brown liquid (Chocolate) leaked on the floor, making a nice large puddle._

_"Here, put the banana in it, then we can kinda roll it." Lister said, as Cat placed the banana in it._

_They watched as the chocolate coated the banana, and saw it was soaking through. They heard a cracking sound, then they watched in horror as the plastic banana wiggle on the floor. The stitches started to rip, and that was enough to make Rimmer run to the door._

_The banana was surrounded in a blinding light, as the terrified crew stood well away, by the door._

_They saw something materialize next to it, and it looked like the same banana. They heard a growl, as the duplicate banana stood up, next to a lion. Kryten grabbed his scanner and took a quick reading as the other 3 were running down the corridor, heading for the nearest sleeping quarters._

_Kryten found them passed out (From drinking, not terror) in the nearest officer quarters, and soon followed. _

**000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000**

How do you put dividers in? Where the paragraphs NEED to be split!

Wow! Exciting, hopefully! Not many people like flashbacks, so the rest of the story (and yes, it's almost finished...after a few more chapters) is going to be told in the present.

A lot of things changed between the 2nd and 3rd series. The banana disappeared, Rimmer's outfits changed, (Of course, Holly and Kryten changed) and you know.

I got my ideas, especially on the next chapters, from my mom. (Don't make fun!) So, if you don't like it, I'm sorry.

I'm really excited, because when I write stories, I have really good ideas, but then I have other ideas, and I have to write them down. Then I get another idea, and get side-tracked, so I don't...usually finish my stories. I know, I hate myself for that. But with a little nagging from you guys, and the voices in my head, I'm going to try to finish this story. Only a few more chapters left! This will be the first I would have finished, unless they were supposed to be one-shots. If you're reading this, thanks for reading while I bared what's on my mind. SORRY!


	5. The Plan

The Banana-Part 5

Howdy and Hello! I am SO SORRY it has taken me a long time to put up another chapter. I hope I still have some readers out there! If you are a reader/fan, please drop a review and say so! I am SO SORRY to keep you guys waiting, if there are any guys/girls to keep waiting, and I want you to know that I have figured out how this will end, and it is close to the end. A few more jam-packed action chapters! Craziness up ahead!

* * *

Lister clutched his temples as the others relieved the lost memory. "Well, the good news is we didn't eat the plastic banana!" Cat said optimistically, grinning.

"Oh yah, right. And having it turned into a lion is better." Lister snapped. Cat held out his hand, defensively. "Hey, hey, hey buddy! I could never go out in public if I had eaten plastic. And yellow at that. Yellow with blue!"

Lister didn't see how yellow and blue were a bad combination, but he tried to concentrate on the situation at hand.

"Kryten...do you have an explanation, or is your brain skiing in Alaska?" Lister asked the mechanoid, who started to nod his head. "I have a theory, sir."

Lister crossed his arms, waiting for the answer. "The plastic banana is not really a banana. It is called a Suckstery, a mutated version of a polymorph." Rimmer looked up at this. "What's a polymorph?"

Kryten continued as if he hadn't heard the hologram. "When the cat race was locked in the cargo decks of Red Dwarf, I believe a Suckstery was locked with them. Suckstery are really rare. It attacks by way of sucking up personality traits. When Polymorphs usually take emotions, Suckstery takes good personality traits."

"Wait!" Lister said, holding up his hand, "Are you trying to say that this thingy sucks up good traits? Like sexiness, cleanness, stuff like that!"

"Well then, I'm #1 on his list!" Cat said, brushing off the front of his suit. "Yes, sir." Kryten answered Lister, tugging at his fingers.

"The Suckstery probably lived off the cats. It has to 'recharge' every 10 years, or hibernate. So, it goes into a cocoon sort of shell. I think this Suckstery was hiding so it could pounce on unsuspecting cats, in the form of a plastic banana, when the cats either finally figured out a way to stop it, or it was just dumb luck."

"Yeah?" Cat said, sitting up in his chair. "Yes. A small dose of liquid dillinium should freeze it into the last position it was in, until we can blow the mother away." Kryten finished, nodding his head.

"What about my mother!" Cat put his hands on his hips, not looking happy at all.

"So, let me get this straight in my head." Rimmer began, holding his head as he basically recapped (Just in case you guys are confused!) what was happening and will happen.

"This...Suckstery thing sucks out good personality traits. It has been in hiding/hibernating state since the cats. It was either frozen into the banana position, or was sleeping in that form. And the only way we can stop it, is to freeze it with liquid dillinium."

Kryten nodded. Lister's face scrunched up, as he had an idea. "Then what was that thing that appeared right after the Banana stood up?"

"Oh, that was an 'after-thought'. The Suckstery must always turn back into it's cocoon form. What I mean is, this particular form is a banana, so it must turn back into a banana when it is not transformed into something else. And, it can only maintain a certain other form for about 5 minutes, then it changes back to the Banana. The banana that stood was just a ghost of the form it has to become. So, basically, it is disappeared shortly afterwards, and so all we have o worry about is the actual Suckstery." Kryten stated.

Then Kryten did something impossible, improbable, and totally un-Kryten like. He rolled his eyes.

"Really, you guys are stupid when it comes to the science of stuff and things. What does it matter about anything? Just kill it!"

The other three looked at Kryten with their mouths open. "What is wrong with you today?"

Kryten shook his head, his eyes blinking. "I am so sorry, sirs. This drug must have a side-affect of the feeling of being guilt-free. I'll stuff my head in the engine at once, sirs!"

Kryten started to move to the nearest window, what he was going to do there once he got there was a mystery.

"Wait, Kryts. You know I can't cook, and tonight is curry vindaloo!"

* * *

Um...a tiny installment.

Also, I know some people who don't like 'used ideas', where an idea of the show is re-visited. So, I hope my reading audience is not that minority, which they probably aren't, or else they would read on!


	6. Fight!

_The Banana- Part 6_

Hello! Do you guys have lettuce and other undesirable rotting fruits and vegetables to throw at me for being such a bad poster!

I am SO SORRY, like I am every time I don't post in awhile.

It's funny that you start writing a different idea then when you started out with. This story got off course...so sorry about that. I was re-reading my posts before this, and the last chapter was confusing, even to me. So...sorry about that, and I'll try to avoid my babbling in the future, especially if it doesn't make sense. Okay. Here it is!

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Lister gripped his bazookoid as he peered through the darkness. Kryten shuffled after him, with Cat and his ever-present mirror close behind. Rimmer was a good 15 feet behind them, glancing for a way out if the fighting got too near to him.

The plan was simple. Find the Suckstery, spray it with some liquid dillinium, to freeze it into one position, than blow it up hard enough for it to jump to another dimension. Tracking it was easy. It was a one in three heat generating being on the ship. Everything seemed a straight path from there.

Lister turned a corner, and found himself on the long hallway that headed towards the hologram simulation suite. He started walking, passing a table to the left that was brimming over with the unopened letters and packages from the post pod they had gotten.

Lister saw a shadow move in the hologram simulation suite. With a primial war scream, he pounded into the room, hoping that the Suckstery would be surprised. The Cat followed, leaving Kryten and Rimmer watching from the table.

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Lister found himself inside a large box. He tried to push it over, but it was holding strong. Lister reasoned that it was the Suckstery. But it hadn't counted on him having a bazookoid, or so Lister hopped. He cocked his gun, trying to look intimidating.

There was a blast from outside of the bubble box, and the Suckstery yowled in pain. The box disappeared. letting Lister see his surroundings. The Cat's bazookoid was smoking, and the Suckstery was standing up against the main consol, with the wall of screens (playing the current hologram's thoughts and memories) right behind it.

Lister aimed his bazookoid at the beast, who now looked like the banana, and fired. The scene played agonizingly slow to Lister, as he watched the shell wiz along it's path towards the Suckstery.

Then, at the last moment, he saw the creature move aside. He watched the shell lodge itself into the main hologramatic projection consol. Sparks flew everywhere as the computer blew up. And he watched the screens that were playing Rimmer's memories fade to black.

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Kryten was standing a few feet back from the door. His part was to wait outside in case the Suckstery ran back outside. Rimmer was standing a few feet back from Kryten, making sure the action was as far away from him as possible.

The sound of a bazookoid being fired echoed through the corridor. Kryten backed up to where Rimmer was standing, so they were side by side.

Then, with a tortured scream, Rimmer's image started melting. Kryten, with his quick-thinking brain, grabbed an oval looking metal piece from the mail on the table, laying on top of a letter that said, "_Light Bee-New Technology"_.

He ran to the nearest consol in the hall, and started pounding buttons. The light bee hovered into the air, as Rimmer's information transferred into the light bee.

All the while the Suckstery slipped into the corridor unseen, and disappeared down another corridor. The Cat and Lister were on the floor a few feet away from the hologram simulation suite door, which was leading to a devastated, totaled, obliterated room.

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The 5 boyz from the Dwarf were sitting in the medi-bay. Rimmer was laying on a table. He was saved from being lost, the light bee was now his source, instead of the no-more-hologram simulation suite. He was saved, but there was much damage to his information disk. Instead of his usual regulation outfit, the light bee equipped him with a new outfit that was bright emerald green.

Lister, Cat, and Kryten were sitting around the table, as Holly looked on from the screen. They were discussing their current situation. They had blown up the suite, making it unusable, Rimmer was 'hurt', and worst of all, the Suckstery was still on the loose.

Kryten opened his mouth to start discussing what to do, when Lister interrupted.

"Oh my cloister, we're going to die. It's taking us down one by one, until it's sitting pretty on our broken bones. There's no way out of this."

"Don't despair, sir. There's still hope." Kryten answered Lister, who was pulling at his dreadlocks. This wasn't like Mr. Lister, who was usually filled with chirpy optimism.

Kryten thought about what the Suckstery did. It removed good traits.

Kryten took out his scanner, and did a quick scan. Lister had lost his optimism.

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I just saw the 7th series for the first time, b/c it came out on dvd, and I got it on the 1st day. (I'm in America). And, I made myself some Lister gloves with the fingers cut off at the knuckle (you know). Except it's not leather, it's dark blue cotton. But it's good for homemade attempt. Whatever you know. Oh...I didn't make it, so...never mind.


	7. And Then There Were 2

_The Banana-Part 7_

Well guys, we are driving to the end, though I still got at least a few more good chapters to go. Sorry it took, probably the longest chapter in this story, so long to post. I've recently gotten hooked on LOST, and once I start to obsess about something, all of my other obsessions just have to wait. But after finally watching the 8th series of RD, and watching the interviews on all of my old dvd's, I got in the mood again.

I hope this is unique as it can be, and not too much like Polymorph or Emohawk. And I know, this is supposed to be a comedy, but I am just an angst writer at heart, and some of it seeped through. You know, like in the end of 'Out of Time'. All the gags are up, so 'we can go for the drama', as Chris said in the commentary I love so much. Don't worry, the end sign is still out of sight, and I will try to put more humor in this!

By the way, a BIG thank you to my new Red Dwarf beta-reader, reddwarfaddict! I feel so professional now that I have someone over my shoulder to tell me if it's crap or not, and to save me from making embarrassing spelling errors.

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Lister paced around the medical deck, biting on his nail as he tried to think through the depression that seemed to come with no hope. His mind wandered to the weirdest thing, as he stated to the silent room, "Those quarters were quite nice."

Cat looked at him like he was crazy, while Kryten decided to humor him as they waited for Rimmer to revive.

"What quarters, sir?"

"Well, you know when we were runnin' from that deranged killer snack? We ran into one of the officer's room, and I thought it was much bigger than ours. Maybe we should move in there."

Kryten took the sudden exclamation in stride, and said simply, "Sure you could, Mr. Lister, although I don't think this is the right time to start picking the curtains."

Lister shook his head, muttering, "That's such a girl thing to say, Kryters. Why would any self-respecting male pick out something to cover a window looking out into space? It's not like anyone's peeking!"

Cat yawned, getting tired of the conversation and the whole situation. Lister sighed, holding his head with his hands as the panic started to rise from within. "That is, if we survive this! I mean, its already got one lying on the table, it won't take too long to knock us all down."

Holly popped onto the screen at this moment, her blonde hair swooshing around her nonexistent neck, as if a fan was blowing it. They all looked at her expectantly, but she seemed to be talking to herself. "Man, you're so sexy. That blonde in your hair really makes the blue in your eyes pop."

All three pairs of eyebrows shot up. Holly looked at them confused. "What?"

Cat spoke up, representing the group. "Now, I'll be the first to say that self-love is the most important thing, right before self-hygiene and self-fashion. But it's a bit weird when you're hitting on yourself."

She laughed, shaking her head to let a few stray strands flip over her eyes. "I'm just thinking how beautiful she was. You know, Hilly. That's why I changed! I couldn't go another second without seeing her. Now, all I have to do is look in a mirror. I won't see the ugly bald head with a gap in his front teeth, 40-year-old head. I'll see my true soul mate!"

Kryten actually almost rolled his eyes, as he pulled out his scanner, though he didn't know what she was talking about. He remembered Holly used to be a guy before he crashed on Lister's space bike, but once he had gotten back, he thought it wasn't his place to ask why he became a she. "How did you possibly manage to get an emotion sucked out, Holly!"

Holly tilted her head to one side, the closest she could get to a shrug. "It didn't even take the kind of emotions it usually does! You're missing...delusion."

Holly put on a pout at Kryten's revealed truth. "I felt left out. I wanted to be a part of the action, too. I genius-ly reprogrammed myself to throw away that emotion in my 'trash' folder." At the unbelieving looks of the others, she rolled her eyes in defeat. "Okay, so I sort of bumped my main circuit board around until one of the skutters helped me figure out how. I'm a Dwarfer, too!" With a huff, she disappeared, her voice echoing back to them. "Oh, and by the way. Before you started insulting me and stuff, I was going to tell you that the Suckstery was heading your way!"

As the others were processing this new important bit of information, Rimmer started stirring.

"Argh..."

"How are you feeling Mr. Rimmer, sir?" Kryten asked, wringing his fingers. He wanted to help him sit up, but Rimmer being a hologram made it impossible.

"What kind of question is that!" Rimmer asked venomously, brushing off his shirt. Looking down, he nearly jumped out of his skin to see emerald green instead of the dull brown regulation outfit.

"What the smeg!"

Kryten held up the box the light bee had came from, saying, "The outfit came with the new light bee. The hologram simulation suite that Holly projects you with, blew up. Now, you're running on that, which means you can leave the ship without the cage."

"Oh...kaaaay." Rimmer mocked, standing up. "Did you kill it?"

Lister shook his head. "Nah, the thing got away. We'll never find it. It's useless, now!"

Rimmer and Kryten shared a knowing look, as Cat continued to sleep. "He lost an emotion."

"Why doesn't that surprise me?"

Rimmer cleared his throat, wanting to move the conversation along. "So, are we going to go find and kill it, or are we going to sit around and have a tea party!"

Cat jerked awake, whispering, "Did somebody say 'me'?"

Rimmer rolled his eyes, muttering accusingly, "Does everything have to revolve around you?"

"Of course!"

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It was agreed to leave Lister behind, since he was going hysterical that they were all going to die, and pot noodles were going to team up with sprouts to take over the universe. Kryten rounded a corner right outside medi-bay with Cat and Rimmer behind him, and ran right into the Suckstery. It wasted no time in sucking something out of Kryten, then turned to scuttle away. Rimmer cowered away, as Cat started shooting the air around the Suckstery, trying hard to hit it. It dodged around the shots, and zoomed to the next corridor, pausing only a second to...stick its tongue out.

"Can it even do that?" Rimmer asked Cat, who shrugged. Kryten moaned on the floor, trying to take out his scanner. "It melted my circuits. It took away my...my...the thing that helps me know all the answers!"

"What...your smartness!" Rimmer asked disbelievingly.

"Uh...maybe. I think so. I don't know." Kryten said, trying hard to think of the right words to say. "Permission to faint now, ma'ams." Kryten didn't wait for an answer, as he fell back against the grate floor.

"Can that Suckstery do that to the head-that-went-wrong-on-Mount-Rushmore!" Cat asked Rimmer in turn.

Now it was all up to Rimmer and Cat. Oh dear.

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He-He! I got the idea of Rimmer and Cat teaming up from Zombie Kitty's wonderful story, "Trying Times"! I LOVE that story, and those two characters all alone just crack me up! I was thinking about something I can suck out of Kryten that would be different than in 'Polymorph', and that's what probably slowed me down. I hope that made sense, and you guys are still reading this little old story of mine!


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